Chapter 48 Am I called? Am I chosen …dear diary

What’s in your mirror?

Today

October 18, 2024

I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster for years and just when I thought the ride was over it started going up for another low…

A low.

They teach us actions speak louder than words. We’ve conditioned ourselves to interpret that actions are better than words but the truth is

actions may speak louder

but words

words are just as valuable

Bible: Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.

Proverbs 18:21

I pulled out my mother’s dictionary. The meaning that resonated with me the most was a low means close to the Earth, not far above the ground.

A high meaning the exact opposite, far above ground.

A low. Standing.

I am still standing.

I started thinking about a rollercoaster as a whole.

A roller coaster is a thrilling amusement ride that features steep climbs, sharp drops, and fast twists and turns.

As the ride ascends, people often experience a mix of emotions

excited, eagerly anticipating the adrenaline rush, while others may feel scared or anxious, especially if it’s their first time.

The tension builds as the ride reaches its peak and the sudden drop causes exhilaration for some and is terrifying for others.

After the ride, reactions vary some are eager to ride again, while others swear they’ll never do it again due to the intensity of the experience.

“Life is like a rollercoaster”

Ascension. Peak. Drop.

Today 10/20/2024

8:28am

I said aloud all things work together for good.

It was 3 wild turkeys and a 4 legged animal.

I was convinced someone at the zoo was not doing their job… couldn’t be… impossible

nothing is impossible

It was her words

It was my emotions

Why do I write? To put my pain out of sight.

Writing releases the pain.

Out of sight but not out of mind.

I control my mind. On purpose. With purpose.

I mourn and move - RTK voice.

I saw him, sitting next to her.

An ascension is coming.

I noticed everyone on (in) the room, vaguely.

Aunt, Cousin, Mother

I sat next to him and I just started crying.

All I wanted was him. It was him that made me feel so comfortable. It was him that always allowed me to be my true self. It was him all along.

I missed him.

I just cried. I loved him.

She said - I hate when you do this…

Why does my crying bother others so… there is no strength in not crying there is no strength in crying.

The strength comes in being able to keep going, in being able to forgive and love, before - during - after the pain.

I felt like a kid, again.

but I was in my 40s almost 50

I heard a voice just let her be. She defended me.

Had I blocked out all the times she had defended me as a child based on one incident?

She defended me, while

my mother didn’t

but how many other times had my mother defended me, protected me

numerous

countless

infinity

but she wanted me to learn

so she did what was hard

a sacrifice …do you protect your kids every step of the way or do you allow God in their lives?

jail

In Genesis 22 God tests Abraham’s faith by asking him to sacrifice his beloved son, Isaac. Abraham obediently prepares to offer Isaac as a burnt offering, and just as he raises the knife to kill his son, an angel of the Lord calls out to stop him. God provides a ram to be sacrificed instead of Isaac.

Would you kill your child for God?

What kind of God would want you to kill your child?

Do you read the text literally or symbolically?

Do you think of “how times have changed”?

Modern Day.

sacrifices happen daily

In modern-day life, sacrifices can take many forms, especially when viewed through a spiritual len where trust in God’s plan should be the only plan…

Imagine a parent who watches their child making choices that seem unwise (stupid) wrong friends, pursuing a risky path, making a bad investment. The concerned parent, knows they could step in, maybe even should step in, offer advice, or even force their child in a different direction.

But instead, they hold back.

They pray, trust, and believe that even if the situation looks like it might not end well, it’s part of something bigger.

All things…

God’s plan for their child.

His will.

Not mind (mine). Not theirs.

They let go of their desire to control the outcome, sacrificing their own peace of mind, because they believe that through struggle, God may teach their child important life lessons.

The parties I went to, the marijuana I smoked.

I was at a Lutheran school drinking at the games.

Reckless.

I believed through the struggle.

I believe every single time my child leaves my sight.

I believe.

Blind faith - resist the devil nd (and) he will flee.

I want to protect him from everything… forgetting who MY protector is - Psalms 91.

My protector protects us both.

God’s will not mine.

It’s an act of deep faith, trusting that God knows better, even when I don’t understand why things unfold the way they do.

I am quiet. I am patient.

watching, and trusting though pain, my modern day sacrifice, rooted in the belief that what happens is ultimately in God’s hands, and perhaps a better story is being written that I cannot yet see.

Greater is He.

…the soul never dies, 1:11pm

The unseen.

I see the unseen. I feel the unseen.

I give it all to The Most High.

Abraham’s trusted in God, and it is seen as a foreshadowing of God’s willingness to sacrifice His own Son, Jesus, for humanity.

I still don’t understand the Father, the Son but I understand the Holy Spirit.

I have so many questions, but the only answer I stand on is: TRUST in Him.

You never know how God is using the devil to test your faith in Him…

Job

I just laid on him and cried. I missed him.

I missed us. I missed the 90s.

He was no longer the man I remembered. The man that had taught me so much.

He as (was) blind. I still saw him as young and vibrant riding on the motorcycle, being a womanizer. The second man who taught me what was woman should and should not accept.

48 years later - seen, observed, heard, listened

finally comprehended

The man I still saw the same, wasn’t the same.

I saw his soul.

It was ascension time.

Death was coming.

I prayed don’t let it be my son

don’t let it be my family

I know the dream, it’s coming

the inevitable

Today 10/22/2024

…maybe if I had posted this before

you’d believe me

but it doesn’t matter

because I know

and I see

it was death near me

I told God I didn’t want to lose him

Blind faith, I was called to trust the process… divine guidance without having all the answers. It was challenging for me to release control and surrender to forces beyond the physical realm… to lean solely on my deep connection with Spirit

when life’s path feels unclear or uncertain

but I do it, repeatedly

I stand and I trust in Him

so He kept him

Your will

He granted me grace. He granted me mercy.

He gave me peace.

He told me 3 days. I didn’t know what that meant… I was afraid and the 3rd day, the redemption day felt the worse… I could barely take the pain

the frustration

the guilt

Super moon at time of release

you released it, right?

so let go & trust in the Lord

I mean, truth is life is going to come with heartache and pain… simply put with life comes death.

Transformation

anew, knowing better, doing better

Romans 8:28

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

‭‭my grandmother’s Bible ‬‬

Do you know the meaning of the words you use?

Called: The verb form of “call” can mean to invite, summon, or ask someone to come or be involved. It is often used in both casual and spiritual contexts. For example, to be called can refer to being summoned for a purpose or receiving an invitation

Chosen: As a noun, “chosen” refers to one who is the object of divine favor or an elect person. As an adjective, it means someone selected or marked for favor or special privilege.

invited or summoned (called)

being specifically selected or favored (chosen)

my exploration of religious studies

spirituality was my invitation

I didn’t have a grand encounter like others.

mine was smooth… it truly felt like how it felt my whole life… He was just waiting on

me but I was running out of time

the near death experiences… it won’t be a 3rd

The Most High God called me to be involved

so I picked up

I wasn’t chosen

yet

I believe anyone can be summoned

answer the call

but when you answer

does He stay on the line with you, does He place you on hold & “click over” or does He hang up because you took to long to answer the call

are you to distracted to focus on the conversation

communion - can you do everything He says?

Abram. Abraham.

Matthew 22:14

For many are called, but few are chosen. NIV

For many are called, but few are chosen. KJVAAE‬‬

Once upon a time, there was a young girl named Alana who was neurodivergent, with a mind that raced with brilliance and intensity. She learned to read at an unusually early age, devouring books as if they were the only solace in a world that often felt overwhelming. Her academic talents shone brightly, and by the time she was 17, she graduated high school a year early. But despite her achievements, Alana’s inner world was tangled with struggles—substance abuse, reckless spending, and giving herself to men who didn’t see her worth.

Insecurities, jealousy, and a craving for belonging haunted her. She was young when she became a mother, and while her love for her child was fierce, the weight of her own battles was heavier. Alcohol numbed the pain, and drugs offered an escape, but her soul longed for more.

The day her mother died was the day her world collapsed. She isolated herself from everyone and everything, spending years in the quiet wilderness of her own thoughts. In that time of grief, Alana realized that every hardship, every heartache, had been God’s way of calling her, trying to get her attention. But it wasn’t until the silence after her mother’s death that she truly began to hear Him.

Alana buried herself in books—not just any books, but those that explored God’s Word. She studied the Bible, dove into other religious texts, and opened herself to spirituality in a way she never had before. It was in this journey she found the peace she had always sought. It wasn’t in religion alone, but in the vast, interconnected web of spirituality that she found comfort and understanding. She began to feel the presence of God everywhere, not just in the walls of a church, but in nature, in silence, in the whispers of her heart. She realized that God had been calling her for years, but it was only after she surrendered her old life that He truly chose her to walk a new path.

She stopped judging others for not behaving or believing the way she did. Instead, she used her gifts to help guide them. She discovered she was spiritually gifted and could sense things intuitively, without knowing how. She’d always known things without knowing why, and this newfound spiritual journey made it clear that this gift was from God.

One day, seemingly out of nowhere, Alana felt a strong pull toward tarot. Despite everything she’d been taught about witchcraft, she realized that tarot, too, was simply another tool to interpret God’s signs. It helped her sort through the complex workings of her mind and heart, offering some clarity in the midst of her mental chaotic mind. Her brain, so full of racing thoughts, finally found peace in the symbols and stories the cards told.

Through tarot and reading oracle, Alana became a guide for others, helping them navigate their own storms. She didn’t just read cards; she interpreted spiritual signs and gave people the honest, unbiased truths they needed to hear, even when it was hard. Doing the hard things became easier & easier

that’s how she knew she was chosen by God.

Today, Alana is at peace, though her journey isn’t complete. While still waiting on certain unanswered prayers, she’s still trusting God for her happily ever after. But even now, she’s fully content. Every step she takes, she walks in faith, as though walking in darkness with only her senses to guide her. It’s a path of surrender, of trust, and of knowing that she was called and is chosen.

A lot of us can relate to Alana’s journey.

I am Alana.

I am chosen.

I die to my flesh over and over and over again.

I vent. I repent.

I do what is right no matter what pain is in sight.

While I’m no fool, I still remain cool.

I forgive myself because forgiveness is wealth.

I forgive others, remembering we are all sisters and brothers.

I try not to judge even when my spirit doesn’t want to budge.

We are all created equal but just like a sequel

…something is always next

things get blown out of context

I try to remember the mirror so I can see things clearer, the reflection of myself

analyzing it for my health

I see me in you

I see you in me

what causes us to disagree

what am I supposed to see

I see me in you

I see you in me

there is no right or wrong

I ain’t trying to belong

but I still watch my tongue

and try to stand strong

so we can all simply get along

What’s the 411

…it’s the Father and the Son

second to none

You know how I won?

Philippians 4:11-13 (KJVAAE):

“Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”

Philippians 4:11-13 (NIV):

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

I find the fun

in everything

even when the one I love

isn’t speaking to me

Brilliant Minds

High Potential

…being “different” in America

a society that wants us to all be the same

angel numbers

even the police uses numbers

187, 207, 211, 240, 245, 261, 288, 314, 368, 390, 415, 417, 451, 459, 487, 488, 502 to name a few

chakra

even the doctors uses colors

code blue, code red, code yellow, code pink, code black, code white, code orange

I nurture my brain

in ways you may not understand

angel numbers, chakras,

dreams, visions

animals, divination

I sustain the pain

always looking at you the same…

judge me

in your mirror

reflection

my mirror taught me gossiping

my mirror taught me parenting

my mirror taught me finances

my mirror taught me self-love

Whatever we find bothersome in others is often a reflection of something within ourselves that we need to address. For example, if we don’t like how someone gossips, it might be a sign to pay attention to our own speech and how we talk about others. If we’re critical of how someone parents, it could be an invitation to reflect on our own parenting or relationships.

On the flip side, if we admire someone’s patience, it may be a quality we are cultivating or need to nurture within ourselves. If we’re inspired by someone’s generosity, it could be a reminder to bring more kindness into our own life.

The traits we notice, both positive and negative, often offer clues about our own growth and areas for self-improvement.

Abandonment:

1. Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

• This verse reminds us that God is always present, even when we feel abandoned by others.

2. Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

• A powerful reminder that God’s presence is constant, providing strength in moments of fear or loneliness.

Jealousy:

1. Proverbs 14:30 (NIV)

“A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.”

• This verse emphasizes the destructive nature of jealousy and how inner peace brings true health.

2. James 3:16 (NIV)

“For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.”

• James highlights how jealousy can lead to chaos in life, urging us to avoid it.

Unforgiveness:

1. Ephesians 4:31-32 (NIV)

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

• This verse encourages us to let go of bitterness and practice forgiveness, just as we have been forgiven by God.

2. Matthew 6:14-15 (NIV)

“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

• A clear reminder of the importance of forgiveness and the spiritual consequences of holding onto grudges.

Self-righteousness:

1. Luke 18:9-14 (NIV)

“To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: ‘Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: “God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.” But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, “God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.’”

• This parable highlights the contrast between humility and self-righteousness, showing that God justifies those who recognize their need for His mercy, not those who boast in their own righteousness.

2. Romans 10:3 (NIV)

“Since they did not know the righteousness of God and sought to establish their own, they did not submit to God’s righteousness.”

• This verse speaks about those who try to create their own standard of righteousness rather than submitting to God’s righteousness, which often leads to pride and self-reliance.

Healing from jealousy, abandonment, unforgiveness, and self-righteousness opens the door to spiritual growth and transformation…

Letting go of abandonment heals our hearts with the truth that we are never truly alone, as God is always with us.

When we release jealousy, we embrace contentment and gratitude.

Forgiveness frees us from bitterness and restores our connection to divine grace.

Overcoming self-righteousness humbles us before God, allowing His righteousness to shine through us.

Through healing these issues, we walk in love, peace, and true spiritual freedom, aligning our lives with God’s purpose and abundant blessings.

What’s in your mirror?

The things we notice in others often reflect back to us what we need to address within ourselves—whether it’s a habit we need to change or a strength we need to cultivate. It’s all part of your personal journey of growth and self-awareness.

If you’re ready to dive deeper into what your ‘mirror’ is showing you, I’m here to support you on your spiritual path. Through intuitive coaching sessions, we can uncover the lessons hidden in your reflections and guide you toward healing, clarity, and self-empowerment.

BELIEVE IT TO SEE IT

Visit tikishabanks.com to book a session and begin your journey to self-discovery.