Chapter 48 Brand Knew ...dear diary

Surviving Pain by Tikisha Banks

she came back but she didn't stay

she didn't need me anymore

or maybe I didn't need her anymore

we didn't need each other anymore

Today June 16, 2024

I was acting brand new because I knew

all along

I was not where I belong

Where do I belong?

I woke up out of my sleep. I had a dream. I had a dream... I grab my paper to write it down it was none there so here we are behind closed doors, the public journal

it felt like I wanted to get close to it

but what was it

I couldn't see... I remember a rabbit, small, a bunny with its ears back to the right

rays of light everywhere, like sun, sunlight

it was magnetic

no it was pulling me in

I felt a push or was it a jerk ...I think of how I woke up with a scar on my forehead

I was scared but I wanted more of whatever that was

I start aiming for the rabbit but it was blocked

this feeling was so strong it was like a magnet but felt like a heart

two becoming one

I yell Mama but only I didn't yell I whispered it

I was shocked. I woke up out of my sleep shocked.

Mama, was that you? I didn't see you but I think I felt you... I don't know but I know something happened

Left side ...but it was on my right side so it could not be a heart.

...I remember a lot about this day but not enough details to say I remember it like yesterday because if I remembered it like yesterday I'd know what kind of car I was driving, what I was wearing, where I lived, and most importantly where my son was at

I asked my sister had she talked to her she said no

My dad agreed with me I should just go over there

and I did

I thought she was dead. I didn't know what to do she laid there lifeless

My mother was alive, and I had saved her life. I knew I had saved her life - you know, by being in the right place at the right time but truth is God saved her life. He answered my prayers.

I do remember this clear walking up those steps crying and I mean crying

I said Ma you better not be dead

When I stood in the kitchen waiting on the first responders

I said God save my mother

I remember calling my cousin

I remember calling my co-worker because I knew I wasn't going to work the next day

work, my mother might be dead and I am still worried about work

I called him

I don't remember calling my father or my sister

that's odd to me ...but now I think I know why

I don't remember if he came or if he didn't

that's odd to me ...but now I know why

forgotten

memories fade while some remain

Do we remember what we need to remember? Maybe we remember certain things because they either helped us healed or are designed to help us heal? What's the purpose of memories? Why do you hold on to some and let others fade?

My fondness memory is having my son. It was a beautiful day. There are no words for what made that day so magickal... childbirth, the pain, family & friends, the love. The day that was full of pain was also full of so much love, it's hands down the best day of my life.

It's when my journey started, Surviving Pain. ...balancing the good and the bad.

It's all coming back to me the emotions, the overwhelming fear...

I'm sitting at my desk. I get a phone call that my mother passed out at work. I was in a panic. I was scared. I keep my composure. I recalled and heard a few things that concerned me but again I kept my composure.

My mother was in the psych ward. This cannot be true. This has to be fake... but it can't be fake because I see her. I see her. I see her. I see her with my own eyes. It didn't matter what anyone else was telling me I saw her. Her skin, cracking. Her attitude towards me, rude...

to me, her daughter

I remember coming home laying in front of the vent on my bedroom floor

crying

I said God save my mother because that lady in the hospital was not my mother and I needed my mother I needed her

Was she capable of playing rude? Nah... not to me. This question I'll never have answered.

The year is 2017. The location is Novi, MI.

My mother bragged and bragged on this nurse. I love a nice nurse. I am grateful for her making my mother feel so comfortable. However, it was something I didn't like the about the situation. She was making my mother feel too comfortable... Was I jealous? Maybe, she was my mother. Yet, when my mother said yeah she said she'll take me home

I was like WTF this has to be unethical

2024.

I wonder if she knew all along my mother was dying... was she killing my mother, you know supplying her something she didn't need... did she fucking know my mother was about to die?

I yell, softly, a tear slides out

I did. I knew my mother was about to die. I knew it... I don't recall asking God to save my mother this time, because I knew it.

What do I have to say for myself? Why didn't I beg God? Does begging God even work? Isn't it already written? Human Robots. Tell me what is this thing called life? I hear it's what you make it.

I didn't beg like I had begged God the too many times to count

I do myself a disservice... thinking... I was on my period and wanted to go home and shower.

My period. It's been irregular ever since... My period. It only lasts for 1-2 days maximum...

She wanted me to stay and I left... it was finally time to let the why me go... I never asked God why me I just simply wondered why me... Why not you Tikisha and weren't you the same one crying a few years back for her to be kind to you... girl, what do you want from mere humans, perfection... you're not even perfect!

and she knew that

she cried out to me

the soft tone of her voice, where are you

She cried out I just didn't here her... hear, I wasn't here for her.

2017.

Where was I? Wasting Time.

Endings

Endings breed new beginnings

Endings breed transformation

The last time.

1 regret. I don't want 2 or 3. 1 regret is 1 too many.

The vow.

9:11pm EST present day

What's your emergency? The one time I chose myself my mother died a few weeks later. Fact.

I smile thinking of how I found love though pain.

This love is a love like no other.

I whisper Ma there is hope, thank you for your unconditional love.

I guess I needed to learn that just because love is unconditional it doesn't mean it will be pain free, unconditional love is "pain wrapped up in love" like childbirth. Love that never ceases.

A mother's love.

Rebirth.

1 Thessalonians 4

My right hand is itching. I recently learned this means payout. I did pay a few bills today.

I get nervous and then I remember the flow... if I'm paying out, I most definitely have some flowing in... and do! 8 months. Surviving Pain, Peacefully.

The trust of God.

3s, 7s are always significant to me

It's something about that third time... Strike.

We never know how many times we're really going to get... we know God is a forgiving God but death is real and I think it may be based on the consequences of your sins. I don't believe this is true for everyone... maybe it has something to do with reincarnation... I don't know but I believe there is something there that I may never figure out but it's something...

Death is real. The time of death is unknown.

The cat has 9 lives. How many do we have? How many chances do we have to get it wrong?

I'm just at a point in my life where I want to get it right the first time. This is why I study my bible.

Parable. Meditate. Journal.

I talk to God. 48 years. I talk to my ancestors. 195 years.

I listen to what is being shown and said around me, actions and words. I am spirit-led.

...after two attempts, I'm afraid ...and I still risk it, for others

Insanity is worrying about a situation when it's not your situation ...why worry? #1 why worry about something that has nothing to do with you? #2

It should never be hard to put yourself first, you should be encouraged with love to do you what you think is best for you - no matter the circumstance.

My dream should sound unreachable to you because it's my dream to reach and not yours - unreachable but not impossible.

Thank you for always encouraging me, for reminding me the impossible is possible.

I hear it keep your friends close and your enemies closer and since you never know who your friends are consider them all enemies

I know I blogged about this before ...I travel back in time because with friends like these who needs enemies... are they one and the same? Friends. Enemies.

I belonged right here, where I feel valued. I really did hit the jackpot.

777

I came from money

always had money

his money

my fund money

he got a watch fetish

I got a watch fetish

I don't watch you watching him

I watch him watching me

watching him

you see

this is the only place he wants to be

it wasn't that we were saints

it wasn't about having so much money, even though it was true

mute

you're the lower hanging fruit

achoo be less you boo

you see what we not gone do

is let you pollute

the air so don't your dare

bring your shit over here steer clear

before things get severe

I almost said before the devil appear

God is working on me x3

it was God

how else would I get from this to this

this was nothing material

it was all mental where did I get the ability to do this

as I turn my head and leap

I rise up out of the mud and there I was again, above ground.

Lotus.

A love like no other...