Chapter 48 The Divorce ...dear diary

Surviving Pain by Tikisha Banks

The law of the Lord.

If the Lord gives you everything you desire - what did you do to deserve it, what are you doing to preserve it? Is it about you or your Lord? Is the feeling you get, you know that feeling of overwhelming gratitude, gratefulness, just warm and fuzzy, I wish this moment could last forever feeling... is it for what you got or is the feeling because of who provided you with what you now have?

Is it the gift or the giver?

Both? …which was the Lord?

The gift. The giver.

Or …was he forgotten about?

The Lord is in the midst of everything.

All alone

I fell deeper into the hole

she had left, why did she leave

there was no warning

I didn't know what to do

I didn't know what I had done

I just know she left

she left

she left me

and then one day

she just came back

she was back

never knowing why she had left

it didn't matter

she was back

The voice in my head tells me it should have mattered. You just don't leave people when they are down, but maybe it was too much for her... if it was, then maybe maybe

I was too much for her.

Was I too much for her?

Today June 16, 2024

It's Father's Day but if you're a father isn't everyday Father's Day. What is it about these calendar days? Why did a calendar day need to be invented for you to love on your loved one?

Love on your loved ones.

...it brought back so many memories when I heard her say you didn't get me anything

After the divorce then came the comparison stage. The stage as a child I was not prepared for... it wasn't that I loved my mother more than my father or my father more than my mother. Hell, most of the times I struggled with knowing what love truly meant. I was told I love you, but I wasn't sure I was shown I love you. Was love just words? It didn't look like what I had seen on television... we didn't sit down together at the dinner table or did we? I think back I don't even remember. Why is so much of my childhood blocked out? I remember the rice. I remember the table and chairs. Hell, I remember when we got a brand new microwave. Yet, I don't remember where we ate our food, together, as a family.

Did I eat alone? Who did I talk to about life? Did I talk?

I wasn't sure what love meant... I just knew if my mother thought my father was getting a "better" gift it would be hell to pay. The hell to pay wasn't like she was going to attack me physically, it was mentally... The words from her mouth... well, they hurt... it wasn't a lot of words, just grunts or the humph... Y'all divorced, we didn't. Can this be a stay out of grown folk business moment?

She was hurt and I never wanted to see my mother hurt. I never wanted to see anybody hurt.

I knew what hurt was... and well hurt, it hurt.

Tug of War

Managing time... can't spend too much time over there on Christmas, I don't want her to be mad

it was never mad, it was well... probably, lonely but truth is I'll never know but I am certain she was never mad, she had to adjust to a whole new life, first time being alone... me, well I always felt alone, so it just came natural to me... I didn't understand the need to be around people

It was just different. I spent more time with her, she got more pieces of me than anybody else did... His gift may have been nicer but she had something he never had, me. She had me. It wasn't much I wouldn't do for her... I don't know if it wasn't much I wouldn't do for him because I guess the truth is he never asked, he never asked for anything... She didn't ask ...until she did, but I felt it. I always felt when she needed me. I felt it that day I found her unconscious. I felt it that day I left her at the hospital, cold... alone. I never felt any of that with him... was it because I was of her womb.... it made me wonder was I even his

I had always been asked to do something

why didn't he ask me to do anything

the tears are flowing down my face

I think what the fuck am I crying for and geesh

why do you cry so damn much

is this much crying even legal

Sirach 9:15 let your conversation be about the Law of the Lord

train up a child

Conversations.

Trainings.

I was too young.

I was a mother.

I glance over and see his face... breathing the same air I'm breathing... in the same room I'm in... the birds are chirping... I love my son even more now, how is that even possible how can I love one person so much... ...I don't know I just do.

I flashback hearing that man ask me will you ever have space for someone else? No, I replied.

My son is my everything. He is my whole entire heart.

my whole entire heart

right from the start

it began way before the 29 of May

95 Memorial Day

the day you were born

blow the trumpet sound the horn

a baby boy

for me to love and enjoy

not destroy

with my unhealed trauma

I chose me.

Healing...

My beliefs change, my attitude change, my answers change, everything is well ...changing

I feel at ease, unbothered. Relaxed. Not a care in the world ...then I remember I casted them

I chose me.

Healing...

I raised him to be who he is and this is something any (wo)man must understand - to love me is to accept him, it's to love him how I love him now and forevermore.

and then it dawned on me

I never asked him to do anything

ok well I did, but rarely

there were things I expected him to do

some of those things he did some of those things he didn't

Expectations.

How does that work?

Expectations.

Do they only work when they are set?

two brains

don't always act as one

communication

Happy Father's Day ...no I'm a mother

I was unmarried and my son was raised in a household with just us

he and I me and him

I am a woman, I am a mother

I used to view these texts differently

now I know

I know the importance of a father

recognizing a father for being a father

an irreplaceable father

I did the best I could.

I am a woman.

How can you expect me to raise a man, if I'm not a man?

How do I know what a man is? Who a man is?

I barely know about being a woman. 19.

I did the best I could.

I am a single unwed teenage mother.

19 still a teen.

I did the best I could.

Broken... trying to be complete.

I love my son. I'm proud of my son. He's me.

If you're not taught how do you learn?

You watch. You listen. You hear. You imitate.

I think of the tablet kids. I was at the store yesterday and the young boy didn't have enough money to pay for his candy. He stood there. He walked to go to the isle... I didn't know what was going on was he getting something cheaper but he came back and still just stood there... no words... the man behind him said little man what do you need... the cashier said 50 cents... the man said I got it... the little boy got his candy and walked out of the store, never even saying thank you to the man... I was 3rd in line, behind the generous man... it was only 50 cents, but his action was kind, generous... I asked the cashier, did the boy say thank you... she said I don't think so... I wouldn't be surprised... the kids that come in here don't know how to communicate... tablet kids she said... she said a boy once asked her to tell him the date it said on the milk and if the milk was expired. I had no words. This is the future generation.

I did the best I could.

Are the rest of these parents? More than likely.

Who am I to judge?

I am not judging, I think I just feel bad because you know ...the savior complex. Nah, it's not that I'm over that... I think of Project 2025 - where is I world headed?

My father showing up when I needed him the most.

His father showing up just when he needed him the most.

His father showing up just when I needed him the most.

Our father showing up when we need Him, always ...ever present.

cycle

years and years of passed down

trauma

healed

I am in a season of expectations.

I can expect me from others

because I attract who I am

and I love how I am

now

I look at her and I truly love her

flaws and all

I love me

as-is

healing

journey

The beginning of a living a relaxed life. If am I too much, it's okay find less. ...and just like that, He was removing them, freeing me, and I didn't even notice it ...until I did

the weight, it was it was gone

just like that

I was generous. Material Help. Support. Sharing. Giving & Receiving

I held two handbags. Hermes & Louis Vuitton. The one girl looked straight ahead with her hands out towards the girl in front of her... that girl was distracted, she was looking at the handbags, not even noticing the girl with her hands stretched reaching for her. She wanted it, badly.

6 Coins. Pink. Orange. Red lips. Envy. Greed.

I'm back on the motor bike. Riding. Hair covered but hanging, still blowing in the wind. Hot wind.

I'm in the desert. Courage. Rebellious. Free. Cold. Emotional Loss. Unloved. Gloomy.

It's June. Pride Month. Gay Pride, but I think of the word pride itself. Pride.

I stand there waving, under the rainbow. The rainbow of happiness.

The buildings, tall. The grass, green. The kids playing, harmony.

I will share my light, but I am no longer loaning my light.

I will share my light, but I will not be on constant display.

It's your job to activate your own light. I call my power back.

Back to basics.

Bible.

Law of the Lord.

All fall down

but they don't all get back up

lawless conversations