Chapter 48 Trauma Bond ...dear diary

Surviving Pain by Tikisha Banks

Today June 15, 2024

Groupie. Please. I heard it too

I don't chase I attract.

You attract what you are.

What are you?

What am I?

I had a conversation with a friend today and I was too stunned to speak... she was right.

The saying was right. We attract who we are...

2 words: Trauma Bond

and if it's not a trauma bond, what is it?

I think back to the skeletons in the closet... the shadows in the dark.

Unbalanced.

The Savior Complex.

Ego.

She told me I was gifted. I didn't know what that meant...

What does it mean to get gifted?

Is that when a father gives away his daughter?

Gifted?

The need to fix other's problems.

I guess now that I think about it, I too was a people pleaser. It was just certain people I was trying to please... but why? Why them? Why did I want to fix people? because I was broken...

I had felt that same pain and I didn't want anybody else to feel that type of pain

will make straight your path

It was all clear to me right then... your path.

My path is designed just for me.

There is no way around some of this shit that life puts you through... I say that one more time.

Around

Through

You can't go around life you have to go through it

I think of all of the things I've been through. I think mostly about the repeated lessons.

Why didn't I learn from the very first time?

I say a prayer. Wisdom.

I didn't ask for this gift... this gift you call it.

I'm confused half the time and desperate the other half of the time.

If I just had somebody I could talk to, somebody who's

like me

The black and white cat had nothing but evil in his eyes.

She looked timid, scared, but willing to take a chance... maybe it's because she had nothing to lose? Cautious but not fearful, she wasn't intimidated. She knew what she wanted and she went for it... each and every single time. I wonder if that's what he hated about her?

She was a go-getter.

I knew it was you. I just knew it.

Sadly, I knew it was you.

Yet, I carried on as if I didn't know.

and if I didn't know the answers from the very beginning... the very first "sign" ...the sign I didn't even ask for... the sign God showed me... He revealed you to me and I still kept on the blindfold

I betrayed myself...

Yes to you. No to me.

The ultimate betrayal.

Why would I betray myself?

Just for Me... I hear them singing and my life is just that, just for me.

I've grown so much in the past 6 months, the past month... I know it's nothing but The Most High God. He's using me and if you've ever been used before you know it ain't easy being used. It's like you're giving something that you don't want to give because deep down inside you know what you're giving you're not going to get it back. Used. It's different though, when you're being used by God. The pain. The comfort. It hurts so bad and feels so good... ...it's not flesh or lust... it just feels, right. I lost my mother. I felt like my world was coming to an end. Her death impacted so many areas of my life... my son's life... my relative's life. I focus on today, now... This is the closest I've ever been to God. I never wondered if that was a result of my mother's death... until now.

I believe it is. I know it is. I had no one else to depend on... I realized that I never felt like I had someone to depend on, only my mother and I never felt like I had 100% of her... I mean how could I? She was a wife, mother of two, sister, aunt, friend, employee and those are just the things I can think of off the top of my head. I knew she loved and would do what she could for me but I still remember those times while more than likely insignificant to her were significant to me and she chose someone else... she chose something else... I wanted her to choose me.

What did I do?

I chose more of those like me... those who watched their mother's chose other people, places, and things.

New level unlocked.

The challenges that you face, the decisions you make all lead you to the next step of your life.

Cautious.

Steady.

Slow.

She paced herself. She watched him from afar. She studied him.

He was oblivious. He had not a single care in the world. Until

She struck. Death.

Who am I?

Better yet who do I want to be?

I make a list.

my mind wonders and I think of him

slim and trim, I bet he knows how to swim

me on the other hand I'll just put my feet in

the water it's where I release my sin

a spiritual bath afraid of God's wrath

it's like a redo

a reset, feeling brand new

I never knew a love like this

I reminisce and remember bliss

the love I felt when I looked in the mirror

things were getting clear and clearer

pretty brown skin double chin

big eyes thick thighs

rolls on my back his favorite snack

When I think of everything about me... me, the true me

the me that is naked, bruised knee bruised thigh

that me... depressed, blacking out, angry me

is this what I want to attract

...it was a fucking disaster.

I had to get out of there. I don't know what it was. One minute I was calm and the next minute, well I was a mess. A mess, a different kind of mess... Uneasy. Weird. I couldn't shake the changes in the environment. I didn't know what was happening. I realized, for the first time I didn't want to know what was happening. I didn't care. I just knew I wasn't comfortable. If I was being completely honest with myself, I hadn't been comfortable for a while. It was months in the making. It wasn't just today. It was for weeks... something was not right and I knew it. I just didn't know what it was. It was just different or maybe I was different.

I was different.

A tower moment. I remember hearing her say mirror. Reflection. What is looking back at you? What is behind you, because the only thing in front of you is you.

Moving on, forward moment. Water, flowing. Relax, ease. Strength.

Free. Courageous. Solo. Covered. Pure. Soft. Warm.

full, but not like I ate too much

it was just enough, full

full, I wanted to feel like this all the time

it was perfect, full

Who's am I?

Several years back I listened intently as she told me - everything you tell her she repeats it

I listened. I trusted her because while she may not be honest about some things, this was something she was not going to lie about. I said nothing. I kept this information in my back pocket.

She asked to borrow some money from me but when I asked for my money back she told me to ask somebody else... what type of shit is this? Still, I said nothing.

Today, I say nothing. It's not because I don't want to, because I do well... I did, until I didn't. I say nothing because nothing needs to be said... it's not only on Friday's do things work out in my favor. It's every single day because all things work together for my good even when it's looking like it's not.

I include God on every decision I make. When I am guided by Him, I feel at peace. Often times I get into my head and I start thinking -overthinking- I start talking -to the enemy-and I get more confused. It's when I'm silent that I have the most clarity. It's when I do nothing that I get the most done. It's when I sit and relax that I experience peace.

The Most High God.

My Lord and Savior.

The puzzle is finished. It was not an easy one. I'll tell you that, but it's finished. I sigh in relief. I liked putting puzzles together. I liked problem solving. I guess that's what comes with being a lover of numbers.

I never memorized math problems.

I calculate them each and every time, well for the most part...

but I realized it's levels to puzzles

and I'm most certainly

not currently equipped

with the

patience

for a jigsaw puzzle

So this is how it goes...

you start in the same sister circle

you tell each other all of your business

it doesn't matter if you tell them directly or indirectly

you tell them

it's just the nature of having a sister circle

talking, it's not a bad thing

you're sharing, expressing yourself, your truths

then one of the members get offended

you tell each other all of your business

it doesn't matter if you tell them directly or indirectly

you tell them

it's just the nature of having a sister circle

talking

offended, anger, hurt, pain

2 paths: you all speak positivity over each other, defending, benefit of the doubt

you all speak negativity over each other, accusations, assuming the worst

actions not the words but the actions

outcome is always actions it's never the words said or unsaid

actions always show how you feel

I just got caught up on the last three episodes of Sistas. This Karen lady has been pregnant for like 9 years and is having twins by two different men a real thing???????

watch that man closely, you see how he handles his anger, his actions, his movement, not his words, but his movement, what did that man do?

dipping into energy

did you tell

later

oh I knew that

why didn't you tell

skull, bad karma, smoke

end game, taylor, miami

black cat, future, tokyo, ed

Grey cats are often associated with balance, wisdom, and spiritual insight.

and that's your outcome, were you safe and protected? with who? who protected you?

God always gives you at least one person to protect you, even if they didn't protect you in the way you wanted to be protected there is still always one ...one person to protect you

sometimes that you is you

accountability

stir the pot or stir the pot

same but different

flowers, kissing ass

searching, ran out of money

do right, jackpot

but what's right?

jackpot,777, travel

I had to unlearn almost everything I had been taught

everything I had been conditioned to believe was true

everything I was afraid to admit was true

everything that I wanted to come true

I don't look for opportunities, they just present themselves to me. Alignment.

a simple baby shower

it's more like a dinner

head of the table

flowers, flowers, flowers

champagne, lavender lemonade

love, joy, happiness, smiles

confidence as ego

travel

I am HERE. life is good.

healing is a journey

Tikisha's magick

transmuted

I can't get these words out of my head "before she died".

61 years old

She's marrying for money. Mogul. Boss B*tch. Me, I'm a goddess.

Momentum is building...

what if she was hibernating all winter

cold, scared,

then she saw you, your eyes locked

there were others there but nobody

saw the intense gaze

what was that

they didn't see it

forget about it

it was nothing

it meant nothing

she found you, she found me

she stayed

for hours at a time, days, eventually she started staying every single day

name the hurt to heal the pain