I seek God in the Questions

No editor, typos

The gift I carry is not always easy to understand, even for me. I find myself confused, yet still called

I was called. I answered. I was chosen.

I was called. I answered. I was chosen.

I was called. I answered. I was chosen.

It feels like applying for a job

but not I never knew I had truly applied for

until I realized what I did

I submitted my application the day I surrendered and accepted Christ.

I told Him it was me & Him …the devil shall flee

My resume?

Brokenness, questions, and a yearning heart.

But God doesn’t call the qualified;

He qualifies the called.

The interview was my surrender,

A moment where I laid down my plans for His purpose.

I gave him everything that meant anything to me.

The offer letter? His grace.

And the job? Walking in faith,

Carrying the gift He placed within me.

This is not a role I sought out

it sought me.

I didn’t have the answers, just a willingness to say yes.

And with that, I was hired by the Creator Himself.

chosen by God

though seen and understood by few.

This journey of faith is one of questions and seeking, trusting that even in the midst of uncertainty, I am not condemned but deeply loved. I seek God not only in the answers but in the questions themselves, knowing that every step, even the unclear ones, is part of His divine plan.

chosen not condemned

I’m not here to convince you.

I’m not here to justify my path or explain what I know to be true.

But I am trying to understand.

I get confused…

If what I do is so dark,

Why does it draw you in?

Why does it feel so bright, so undeniable,

That you can’t seem to look away?

You come near, curious and searching,

Yet hesitant to fully accept.

You call my gift dangerous,

But isn’t danger what wakes us up?

Isn’t it the discomfort of truth that often leads us to growth?

I walk with God

ully, openly, and unapologetically.

The light you see isn’t mine; it’s His.

The peace you feel in my presence doesn’t come from me;

It flows through me from the source of all creation.

“For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness,

hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge

of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.” (2 Corinthians 4:6)

So tell me, is it darkness you’re running from,

Or the truth that forces you to see yourself?

I am not afraid of your questions.

I am not shaken by your doubts.

But I wonder, can you say the same?

Can you sit with the truth of who you are

Without dismissing what you don’t understand?

What I carry is a gift, not a curse.

I was chosen, not condemned.

And while you may never say it aloud,

You recognize the Spirit within me.

This is not a performance.

It is a calling.

It is truth in motion.

And whether you understand it or not,

The light will always shine.

“For the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” (John 1:5)

So again, I’m not here to convince you.

I’m here to stand as I am

A child of God, living in truth,

A reflection of His love.

I asked myself… what does it mean to be chosen?

“For many are called, but few are chosen.” (Matthew 22:14)

Chosen to do what?

I read the book both literally and symbolically

wondering if it should only be symbolically

because of the contradictory

I’m always listening to words

written, seen, read, translated, seen, heard, removed, unseen, unknown, added

is the truth being told?

10 Commandments

Thou shall not kill

Exodus 20:13

The original Hebrew text refers specifically to unlawful killing or murder.

Despite this commandment, there are subsequent passages where God commands acts of killing, typically within the context of judgment, warfare, or divine justice. One notable instance occurs in the same book of Exodus, when the Israelites worship the golden calf.

In Exodus 32:27-28, after Moses comes down from Mount Sinai and sees the people sinning by worshiping the idol, he commands the Levites, under God’s instruction:

“Thus saith the Lord God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and go in and out from gate to gate throughout the camp, and slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbor. And the children of Levi did according to the word of Moses: and there fell of the people that day about three thousand men.”

This incident highlights the tension between the commandment “Thou shalt not kill” and instances of divine judgment or justice in the Old Testament. It demonstrates that the commandment is directed against unlawful killing (murder), while other killings, especially those under divine instruction, were viewed as part of God’s plan for holiness and justice in that context.

A Conversation with God

I need to talk to God

My God.

Because my God may not be your God.

You say there is only one,

But who can confirm we worship the same One?

Do we meet the same Spirit in prayer?

Do our hearts bow before the same Creator?

Or do our paths separate in the unseen spaces

Where faith becomes personal, sacred, and unspoken?

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.”(Isaiah 55:8)

Perhaps it is not about proving whose God is true.

Perhaps it is about the relationship—

The whispers in the stillness,

The comfort in the chaos,

The presence that never leaves, even when unseen.

“The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.” (Psalm 145:18)

So, I will talk to my God,

Pour out my soul without fear of judgment,

Without needing to explain the One I serve.

For the connection I feel is mine to hold,

A bond no one else can define or name.

In the end,

It is not about whose God is whose.

It is about the faith that carries me through,

And the love that sustains me.

“God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.” (John 4:24)

God is spirit

I get confused…

How is it one God?

The Trinity is not three separate gods but one God in three forms.

Water liquid, ice, or vapor, yet it’s still the same substance... water.

maybe just maybe

the Trinity reflects the one essence of God expressed in three distinct ways.

The Father: Creator and sovereign over all.

The Son: Jesus Christ, God in human form who came to redeem humanity.

The Holy Spirit: God’s presence living within believers, guiding and sustaining them.

Trinity is not something I may ever fully grasp but I shall trust God’s divine nature.

“For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face.” (1 Corinthians 13:12)

I came from somewhere, created

Jesus died for my sins only for the devil to tempt me to sin again and again?

Why kill yourself for humanity and not the devil? …to see the miracle and believe in thee?

I get confused…

I believe I am following divine instructions when I open up and share my truths.

vulnerability

a double-edged sword

I hold so tightly, my intuition

They tell me, “Tell us what you see,”

But when I do, they don’t believe me.

Or worse, the truth hurts.

So I ask myself, What do I do?

Do I soften the edges of truth to make it easier to hold?

Do I keep silent to protect others from the pain?

Or do I trust the whispers of Spirit

And deliver what has been given to me, even when it cuts deep?

The visions gifted to me are not my own to hoard,

Yet I often wonder:

Am I doing more hurting than healing?

Perhaps there is no healing where there is no hurt.

Pain carves the space where healing takes root.

It is the breaking that allows the light to enter,

The wound that opens the door for transformation.

“He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3)

But where do their wounds bind up and go?

Truth is a mirror, and sometimes,

When people look into it, they see cracks they’d rather ignore.

The pain of facing reality can feel like breaking.

But isn’t breaking often the first step toward healing?

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” (Proverbs 27:6)

If truth wounds, it is not meant to destroy

it is meant to reveal.

Revelation is the foundation of transformation.

But even knowing this, I wrestle.

How do I deliver truth when it burns like fire?

How do I share Spirit’s whispers without silencing my own heart?

In the divine process of healing,

Hurt is not the enemy;

It is the soil where faith grows,

The fire where strength is forged.

Hurt, then heal.

Break, then rebuild.

This is the way of divine instruction.

Even Jesus, the Healer, endured the ultimate hurt to bring salvation.

His wounds bore the healing of humanity.

“But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes, we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5)

Are we healed?

I get confused…

but I trust the process

in the moment which is all that matters

I have all I need

inside of me

a sane mind

Knowing that hurt has a purpose.

In Spirit’s hands, pain is never wasted.

It becomes the bridge to wholeness,

The path back to peace.

So, I will continue to speak as I am led,

Not with the aim of being understood,

But with the faith that God’s purpose will prevail.

I wrestled with the balance. A gift unseen by others is often misunderstood.

But perhaps that is the point. Some visions are just for me,

Not for you to see.

So let me be.

I whispered to the heavens:

God, where is my mother

the woman who created me?

her touch, her essence

a miracle in itself …death at 61

13 years or maybe less

They say good die young - where did that statement come from?

Joseph Mary

virginity in tack imagine that

a miracle you see

sounds like trust to me

no mention of test to confirm

the baby’s identity

…a virgin’s delivery

I get confused…

I have so many questions

don’t make a fuss let’s discuss

the thoughts I have inside of me

I am no Jesus, but is Jesus not in all of us?

Three days He lay for our redemption.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” (John 3:16)

miracle for them to see visually

“see it to believe it”

not my motto “believe it to see it”

He came to set us free, yet are we?

Free from sins, free from generational curses …that linger like whispers in the night?

“If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.” (John 8:36)

I prayed:

Lord, let me

Do we ever truly count those days by three?

Or are we too caught in the cycle of sin

again and again?

3 days

yet we never count the days by 3

Easter, holy, pagan

I learned God for me

I don’t care what others say

I celebrate and walk with God in my own way …after all what do you win if I don’t sin again?

A personal, sacred path that only He and I truly understand.

I speak to Him not in rituals of perfection,

But in the quiet, raw honesty of my soul.

After all, what does anyone win if I don’t sin again?

If I lived without flaw, would God love me more?

No, His love is not a prize to be earned,

But a gift freely given.

“For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;”

“Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 3:23-24)

My walk is not about being sinless

It’s about being in constant conversation with Him,

Turning to Him when I fall,

Trusting His grace to pick me up,

And learning to do better because I love Him, not because I fear Him.

The journey is not about perfection,

But about progress

A life lived in pursuit of Him,

Even when the road is messy and the steps uncertain.

“The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way.” (Psalm 37:23)

So I walk with God, not to win,

But to grow,

To love,

To be transformed by His presence.

Because in the end,

It’s not about sinning or not sinning.

It’s about being willing to walk the path,

To seek Him in the light and the shadows,

And to trust that His grace will always guide me home.

Home

home is where the heart is

I’ve allowed to many in my heart

now I let God walk before me

with is rod and staff

courage not comfort

this road I walk ain’t easy

Pieces of me scattered, walls left unguarded.

Now, I let God walk before me,

His rod and His staff guiding my every step.

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.” (Psalm 23:1-2)

Where once I sought safety in others,

I now find it in Him.

His presence fills the empty spaces,

His love repairs the cracks I didn’t know were there.

With God before me, I am no longer afraid.

His rod and staff give me courage,

Not just to follow,

But to lead

to move with purpose,

To walk in love, and to guard my heart wisely.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23)

Home is no longer just a place.

It is a state of being

A heart aligned with His will,

A soul at peace,

A life led by faith.

With every step, I return to Him.

And with every breath,

I know I am truly home.

but I still think of

him

my soulmate

Isn’t God enough

I learned to put God first

and even myself

not care about wealth

just my son and me

living life happily

but then I think of you

I see us so clearly

why can’t it happen for me? as the voices say that’ll never happen

you know that right

actually I don’t

they call me delusional

then preach about impossibilities

is it only impossible for me?

I get confused…

Home is where my heart finds rest.

And while I let God walk before me,

Guiding my steps with His rod and staff,

There are moments I still feel the ache,

The yearning for a home not just in Spirit,

But in the arms of the one who is meant for me.

I’ve come to know that home isn’t just a place or a feeling;

It is also a person

a partner,

A soul that mirrors my own in love and purpose.

I trust God’s timing, but still,

There are nights when the silence feels too heavy,

When my heart whispers,

“Where are you?”

“And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” (Genesis 2:18)

Even as I find strength in walking with God,

My human heart longs for connection

For the one who will stand beside me,

Not to complete me,

But to walk with me,

Sharing in the joys and burdens of this life.

Some days, it feels like my heart is preparing,

Making room for what is to come.

Other days, the waiting feels like a test of faith,

A reminder that love, like all things,

Must align with His divine plan.

“Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart.” (Psalm 27:14)

I yearn for my mate,

Not to fill a void,

But to build a home together

A sacred space where love grows,

Faith thrives,

And the presence of God is always near.

Until then, I rest in knowing that my true home

Is in Him,

And that He is preparing my heart

For the love that is on its way.

because truth is… I have so much work to do before I met you

I get confused…

Can’t love meet me where I am,

In all my imperfect becoming?

Do I really have to be fully healed, fully whole,

Before your path crosses mine?

Maybe the work isn’t about perfection.

Maybe it’s about making space

For you, for us, for the life we’ll build together.

And perhaps, in the process,

We’ll help each other grow,

Filling in the gaps that only love can mend.

So I ask again:

Does it really have to be true?

Rain and Redemption

something about when it rains I feel so free

I imagine you

and me

in our yard

under the stars

making harmony

I imagine you and me under the stars, making harmony amidst the chaos of life.

I imagine us under the stars,

Creating harmony amidst life’s chaos.

My soul yearns for you,

But it doesn’t ache with desperation.

It’s a quiet longing,

A knowing that when the time is right,

Our paths will meet,

And the stars will align for us.

I get confused…

He came to set us free

are we?

freed of sins, sins I face again and again

Pride

Envy

Wrath

Sloth

Greed

Gluttony

Lust

We speak of curses,

But where did they begin?

Are they chains we inherit,

Or choices we make?

Did they start in the garden,

With whispers of temptation,

Or in the hearts of humanity,

Lost in its own desires?

“For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” (Romans 6:23)

Are we already dead,

Being misled by illusions of life?

Walking, breathing, yet bound by sin,

Chained to Pride, Envy, Wrath,

Sloth, Greed, Gluttony, Lust.

Are we alive in the flesh,

But asleep in the Spirit?

“For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.” (Romans 8:6)

He came to set us free,

Yet we wander, lost.

Are we truly free,

Or simply misled?

I get confused…

Lord set us free

Heavenly Father save me

let me see

abundance on earth

for what it’s worth

a bit of prosperity too

I already know what I’d do

live a life of ease and joy

with my baby boy my gift of joy

I am my mother’s joy

we all said

The name of my blog is Behind Closed Doors because this is me, at home, behind a closed door

the door with the skeletons in the closet

Where skeletons in the closet beg for freedom.

Some doors are best left closed

the other is open

While others are wide open, beckoning truth to step in.

I get confused…

Where in the Bible

once and for all

as in

the finale

of suffering

have we seen?

What is it about the devil that he comes back over and over and over tempting but never to win

What is the lesson to learn?

Love for another pours out freely,

Yet the truth is clear:

I can’t save you. Only God can.

“Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee.” (Psalm 55:22)

9:11pm

911: A Call for Awakening

The symbolism of 911 calls me to reflect.

Healing and awakening wrapped in numbers divine.

Are we paying attention, or are we asleep at the wheel?

I clear my throat.

Too smart for my own good—that’s a lie I won’t hold anymore.

The tension breaks as I ask myself:

Why mention my achievements, my decisions,

When the people I speak to already see them in the mirror?

A reflection of themselves, balancing ego with humility.

Were you raised this way? Or bred for this?

I don’t have all the answers,

But behind these closed doors,

I embrace the questions,

And the God who meets me in the stillness.

“Be still, and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10)

This is me.

I get confused…

I think of slavery

modern day

the power

being called back

blood shed

roots of the earth

I call my power back

Mama help me

Lord set us free

Heavenly

I sit here, watching This Christmas,

Hearing Quentin’s words:

“I don’t believe in your God, Joe.”

The piano plays, a haunting melody.

The music—a reflection of power reclaimed and lost.

I flashback to the movie The Piano Lesson

realizing just now it was a lesson

the piano

symbolically what it represented to me

Mama, help me. Pete, help me.

Who else walks with me? Help me.

Too many secrets. Too many chains.

Ancestor veneration

I get confused…

Joe showed up and saved Quentin

win a soul

saving them from the pits of hell

but not a savior

I get confused…

rescued maybe that’s a better word

a hand extended, a heart softened,

a choice made in love,

not the ultimate Redeemer.

For only one Savior exists,

And we are simply vessels of His work.

“For the Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost.” (Luke 19:10)

Joe’s act was a reflection,

a glimpse of the divine,

but the glory remains God’s alone.

I get confused…

The words,

The meanings,

The phrases,

They become too much for me.

I need to pause,

To process,

To give my mind some rest.

Deciphering when Spirit speaks,

hearing whispers in the quiet,

and trusting the message is for me.

Religious

Freedom

for me

not to let their truths become mine, not to carry the weight of others’ insecurities, or let their fears cloud my clarity.

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

“And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:7)

Spirit speaks,

And I listen,

With my heart open,

But my boundaries firm.

When you say God speaks to you,

Is He outside of you?

A presence felt, a voice distinct?

Or is His voice the only one you’ve ever heard in your head,

Interwoven with your own,

Guiding, correcting, and comforting?

Is it a whisper in the stillness,

A knowing you can’t explain?

Or is it your own voice,

Carrying divine wisdom,

Resonating as truth from within?

“The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God.” (Romans 8:16)

Perhaps the answer is both.

For if God is within us,

Then His voice may feel like our own,

Yet carry a weight, a love,

That is unmistakably divine.

It’s not just hearing

it’s knowing.

And in that knowing,

We find Him.

11:11: A Wish and a Question

At 11:11, I made a wish.

But I also asked:

When did you know you were spiritual?

Was it in the stillness of nature?

The grounding of soil beneath your feet?

The whispers of ancestors carried in the wind?

I connect with God

Spiritually,

Not solely through words written

Biblically.

I am trying to understand my story,

To write for God’s glory,

A reflection of His presence in my life.

This is for those who wonder like me

The truth seekers,

Not just those who need to see it to believe it,

But those who believe to see.

Believe It to See It is my motto

Because when faith guides your vision,

It no longer matters what the translations said

You’re writing your own book of the Bible,

Your life becoming Scripture in motion.

What if it was rewritten,

And your story was entered?

What if the chapters of your struggles,

Victories, and revelations

Became part of the greater narrative?

“Ye are our epistle written in our hearts, known and read of all men.” (2 Corinthians 3:2)

Your life is a testimony,

A living word,

Proof that God is still speaking.

What will your chapter say?

I speak spiritually

I believe it to see it

I live in a magickal house

I’m simply me.

Just as I was called and answered, I now feel led to create spaces where others can explore their own calling. These gifts, questions, and moments of surrender are not meant to be carried alone. That’s why I’ve designed a series of gatherings and workshops—a chance for us to connect, reflect, and grow together.

These sessions aren’t about me; they’re about you discovering the path God has for you. Whether you’re wrestling with questions, seeking clarity, or simply yearning for a deeper connection to Spirit, these gatherings are a safe space to explore, learn, and be supported on your journey.

Come as you are, with your questions, your faith, and even your doubts. Together, we’ll seek God in the questions and find peace in the process. Let’s walk this path of growth and understanding side by side.

https://www.tikishabanks.com/event-list